When Anxiety Attacks
A week before my 36th birthday, I had an anxiety attack. I knew it was coming, I could feel it winding up like a sling shot being pulled back as far as it could prior to release. And then, snap. For those who have never experienced an anxiety attack, here is what it was like for me.
I was irritable and edgy for about a week prior, snapping at Sean and feeling inconvenienced by everyone and everything. Then Wednesday at 3am, I woke up feeling like there was a Mac truck on my chest. I was wide awake and decided to make my way downstairs, as not to wake Sean. I cried, I tried to breathe, and I looked a work emails - wrong thing to do! This emails were like fuel to my anxiety attack fire. Yet, here I was trying to respond to emails and feeling myself break more with each press of the send button.
On top of that, my stomach was a mess, I was peeing constantly, and my brain fog was NO JOKE. I would forget saying things, sending emails, and wanted to shut my brain off and hit the reboot button.
Not only does this impact me but those I care about. Sean asked what was wrong? How could he fix it? Did he cause it? No, I have no clue what started it, it is never just one thing. It is a combination of things that could have started as far back as Chauncey’s passing, just slowly mounting their attack on my brain.
The best way I could explain it was imagine being in a fun house, where everything is distorted, with each turn you get more disoriented, yet you cannot find the exit. Except it is real life, and I am trying to hold on to my sanity and “power through”.
So what do I do? I lean in and feel all the feels, using the tools that work for me to help me process my anxiety. Here are a few that I have used this week.
I limited my social media/ tech usage: Outside of teaching I took a few days to disconnect, I set my phone aside as much as possible, and shut my computer down. I would give myself an hour during the morning and at night to check emails and then close my laptop. I taught my yoga class and then set my phone aside.
I worked out: working out is a release for me, a part of my very critical routine. It forces me to get out of my head and focus on my breathing, allowing my mind to process the swirl of thoughts through each deep inhale and release unnecessary stress with each exhale.
I journal/blog: writing about it and the chaos that is going on in my head may sound like word vomit to some but it helps immensely. I know I should journal more, getting all the thoughts dancing around my brain on to paper helps me process and release them.
I do not hide it. This took time and talking through it with my therapist but by being open and letting people know what is going on and wh - that I need a break, that I am logging off, that I am having an anxiety attack, that I need to disconnect for a little bit. By being open about it, I have found that my friends, family, and coworkers are extremely receptive. My brain is like an engine overheating, it needs a break and I am giving it a rest.
I make myself a priority. I focus on me, unapologetically. I need time to take care of me - whatever that means. By giving back to myself, with any of the above activities or others such as podcasts, reading, setting up an additional session with my therapist, etc., I am able to process, release, and reset in my own way.
To be clear, this is what works for me and has also been behavior that I am constantly working on and improving with the help of my therapist. I speak to my therapist regularly, I do take anxiety medications - prescribed by a psychiatrist, I have built tools over 15 years of therapy and trying different techniques - finding those that work for me.
There is no cure, there never will be, that is reality. Our brains are powerful but they are not the energizer bunny, they need breaks like our body needs a rest day. The amount of information, emotions, and sensations that are processed each minute is astounding but can also take a toll if we don’t take care of our mental health.
Please know that you are not alone, that your feelings are valid and real, and that there are tools to help you.
Everyone is different, if you are suffering from a mental health disorder, like anxiety or depression, please seek out the guidance of a mental health professional. For further assistance, including treatment and support, please reach out to your doctor, therapist, or you can contact the ADAA for resources.