My rape and fight to stop the state from assaulting more women
Over the past 14 years I have been looking for an answer to the question, “Why was I raped?” when in reality, it is not my question to answer. Here is what I know…
I chose to get drunk.
I chose to jump from house to house continuing to play drinking games.
I chose to dress in a tight tank that accentuated my curves.
I chose to stay out late. I chose to flirt at the party.
I chose to go home alone, instead of leaving with my girlfriends.
I did not choose to pass out in the back of a jeep.
I did not choose to have my pants ripped.
I did not choose to have a towel draped over my exposed chest.
I did not choose to be raped.
That night my life changed. A part of me died and I had to rebuild my life, slowly and painfully. It included hurting those I loved, hurting myself, and constantly questioning everything I did, past present, and future. A monster murdered a part of me that I will never get back, except there was no funeral, no burial. I wake up each day wondering what kind of person would do this to me. And now, each day, I try through various methods – therapy, medications, yoga – to lessen the nightmares, to move forward with my life.
What I do know is that my choices that night were not the cause of my rape. I was raped was because another person, for reasons known only to him, chose to take control of my body and violate me. The choice of what happened to my body, my sense of self, and who I was up until that night, were taken from me.
That should sound horrifying, because it’s many women and men’s worst nightmare. What’s even scarier? The reality that for too many women and men, my story is all too common and usually untold. During a sexual assault, the goal is to gain power, to silence, and to control another person, regardless of gender, color, or religious beliefs.
It took me 14 years to realize that out of the one million choices I made that night, being raped wasn’t one of them.
It took me 14 years to realize that out of the one million choices I made that night, being raped wasn’t one of them. I’m done having my choices stripped from me. I’m choosing to step forward and make my story public. I hope I can empower those, who lost their choice for whatever reason, to find their voice and take back control.
“You do not stand alone.
Do not let your voice be silenced.
Do not let your right to choose be taken from you.”