My Heartbreak: Losing My Fur Baby
There are events in your life that shape you. Not necessarily define you, but change you. Here are two of mine:
Over 15 years ago my world was forever changed. I was raped at a college party. I will never know by who. I will never know why. For over 10 years after my assault, I walked through my life trying to course correct in all the wrong ways. I was trying to be positive, when I was hurting and didn’t know how to heal.
Fast forward 15 years later... We are in a pandemic, I saw the passing of several family members, and I lost my fur baby way too soon. I was trying to stay positive and felt lost. I questioned my ability to move forward.
July 8th, 2020
I lost a piece of my heart. My baby left me so soon and unexpected. I felt angry, confused, empty, and devastated. Just as I felt my world coming together, it felt torn apart all over aGain.
My world was falling apart all over again, this time piece by piece. I felt as if I was losing control and not sure how to get it back. In the course of a week I lost my grandmother, we were informed of Sean’s co-worker committing suicide, and Chauncey left our world… All in 7 days.
I cried every day, I did not want to feel when I was awake, so I slept, I had wine, lots of wine, and I just stared off… Wanting to numb myself and not feel, anything. It was too hard. What made it worst…. I was coming up on the anniversary of my assault, Labor Day Weekend. My world felt like it was crumbling and I was expected to be okay come one of those most traumatic, if not the most traumatic experience of my life?
No way, I give up. They win…
Then, today, something clicked. I have a choice, it won’t be easy and there will be ups and downs. But I have a choice, I am in charge of this journey, however difficult it may seem some days. I will cry, I will be angry, confused, devastated. I will feel lost and question my ability to move forward. But I will move forward.
This is a weird winding journey, with many unexpected detours, breakdowns, and course corrections. Sometimes you need to curl up and cry, sometimes you need to fight through and move forward, and sometimes you need to pause and reset... And more often, it is a combination.
I think the biggest thing I am learning with all this right now is that there is no rules or guide to grieving or processing your feelings… But you need to process them in a healthy way. Find someone to talk to, pray, meditate, feel all the feels as they come and process them accordingly. I have added a few links to some places to find resources to assist with grieving, processing, and healing below.
If nothing else, remember this: